Holy mother of fuck! Have you been to this Soup Plantation? I thought Michael Caine’s 1000 acre tea plantation in Ceylon was something, but it’s got nothing on this Soup Plantation! If Mel Gibson ever makes a movie about The Book of Genesis, he’d be a fool to not shoot the Garden of Eden part at a Soup Plantation. Yeah, seriously, IT’S ON THAT LEVEL!!!!

Sure, Michael Caine’s 1000 acre tea plantation in Ceylon had vast, architecturally significant lodge buildings, an incredible array of silken pillows, ponds stocked so full of koi you could effortlessly impale them with fondue skewers for your supper, and an army of servants eager to provide any imaginable pleasure, including prostate milking.

But did Michael Caine’s 1000 acre tea plantation have a constantly replenished, two gallon vat of bacon bits? Fuck no! Chalk one up in the win column for Soup Plantation, beeyatch!

Neil Armstrong said there’s no way he could put the feeling of walking on the moon into words. That’s exactly how I feel about walking into Soup Plantation. Want to know the biggest difference between Neil Armstrong walking on the moon and me walking into Soup Plantation? My going to Soup Plantation wasn’t a fucking hoax!

No sir, I don’t need any fancy trick photography and an airplane hangar in the Utah desert to prove to you that Soup Plantation has the freshest produce and most delicious soups in the galaxy! See, we’re not in some heated soup and salad bar race with the communists like we were with the space race. We don’t NEED a soup and salad conspiracy at this point in our nation’s history. SOUP PLANTATION IS REAL.

Fuck, wouldn’t be a very exciting race, even if it was happening. The Soviets might have some dingy restaurant with a congealed vat of borscht and a rickety table with a rotten cabbage on it, but this is America, and we’ve got Soup Plantation. I’m talking a salad bar with over 70 items (including Honey Minted Fruit Toss, Joan’s Broccoli Madness, and Won Ton Chicken Happiness), plus six [6!] varieties of soup! And that’s to say nothing of the pasta, pizza and dessert bar! Two more words: UNLIMITED TRIPS!!! Give the Soviets one taste of that kind of eating and they’d start building more rockets for one simple reason: to fly over the Berlin Wall to taste more. Would be cool if Soup Plantation had a vodka bar, though.

Anyway, I didn’t see any celebrities at Soup Plantation like I thought I would. There was a guy refilling the Big Chunk Chicken Noodle and Yankee Clipper Clam Chowder w/Bacon vats who looked exactly like New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, but he seemed pretty confused when I tried to pin him down on whether he’d be making a presidential bid in ’08. Plus his nametag said Manny, so it may not have been him. I’d still vote for him.

Next week I’ll hit the Soup Plantation in Brentwood. I heard Cato Caelin eats there or works there or something.

(B.S.: Have you been to Soup Plantation? If so, what’s your favorite item on the buffet? A much more difficult question, what would you like to see on the Soup Plantation buffet that isn’t already there? If you haven’t been to Soup Plantation, you’re a fucking tard.)