Diazepam For Sale

December 3rd, 2008

Diazepam For Sale, Today was not one of my best efforts at being human. But when you understand the desperate circumstances into which I was thrust, I'm sure you'll agree that I had no choice. I had to make that fat bitch pay.

See, Prescription drugs diazepam, when you're unemployed, you tend to sleep in. Late. Until the afternoon sun is beating in so powerfully, its rays penetrating the cracks in the soiled towels you use as curtains, that that first pull of Wild Turkey sitting on your nightstand is bound to be treacherously warm, Diazepam For Sale. So that's one problem with sleeping in that late, and the only other one I can think of is that by the time you make a D+ attempt to clean your body and pull on your sweat pants, you've only got about an hour before the Chinese lunch buffet ends, feline diazepam. And today, as you'll see, that became a problem of blue whale shit sized proportions, mess and stink. No prescription generic diazepam, (Note: I have no idea if blue whales make poos as big and hard to manage as the situation I'm about to describe. Being the largest creatures on earth, you'd think yes, those ass droppings must be fucking gargantuan. Diazepam For Sale, On the other hand, blue whales eat plankton, one of the tiniest creatures on earth, so I'm not exactly sure how it all pans out. Do they just shit a hot, more or less never ending, diazepam solution, stream of brown plankton diarrhea, or do all those plankton get gummed up in the bowel of the whale and come out what I must imagine to be a terrifyingly cavernous anus, proportionate to the rest of the sea monster's body, as VW bug sized turds. Forum for diazepam online, And are they floaters. Do oil tankers run the risk of hitting them and sustaining damage to the hull and by extension the marine environment. Or are blue whales like goldfish, with those strings of poo dangling from their asses, only on a scale more like the metal braids that hold up The Golden Gate Bridge. Or maybe because many types of plankton are encased in a chitinous shell, it's like corn, and you can see them all, undigested, in the behemothic turds, Diazepam For Sale. But I guess that latter thought is just silly, diazepam for insomnia. All I know is watching a blue whale shitting must be a life-changing event, much like that which happened to me today. So let's get back to it.)

At just after 2pm, I hopped into the Cadillac and started driving recklessly towards the Chinese buffet. Diazepam reputable sales of, If I had had one of those flashing light siren thingies Kojak used stick on the top of his Buick Century when a case came through over the CB, I would have mounted it. Diazepam For Sale, There was no time to lose. See, they shut the buffet down at exactly 3pm, and pretty much stop bringing out fresh steam trays of food not long after two. As in right when I was leaving the house, diazepam blood pressure meds. But I knew from vast past experience that if I could get a plate in my hands by 2:15, I could make four decent trips to the 40-item gut buster and leave a very full, horribly depressed, why-the-fuck-did-I-just-eat-all-that-sesame-chicken, No prescription xanax benzodiazepine alprazolam diazepam, man (but it would make for a great stomach base for happy hour, when any depression would be alleviated).

As I raced towards the restaurant, I'm not sure if I hit that nanny with the stroller when I sort of rolled at a pretty breakneck speed up onto the sidewalk as I turned through that stop sign onto 17th Street, but there was no time to stop and find out. General Tso is a tyrant who waits for no man, Diazepam For Sale.

I pulled into the parking lot of the Chinese buffet at exactly 2:24pm, cheapest diazepam no prescription no membership. I had to work fast. I barged through the door more violently than Long Island residents at a Wal-Mart on Black Friday, and though I didn't trample the tiny hostess who greeted me, I body checked her pretty good as I shot towards the buffet. Urinary diazepam follow, I didn't need a fucking table, I needed a plate. Diazepam For Sale, Eating at a Chinese buffet has been called an art. I agree. As in The Art of War. And as Sun Tzu wrote in the book by that name, "Though we have heard of stupid haste in war, photo of diazepam 2 mg, cleverness has never been seen associated with long delays." And I had no time for long delays. I had 34 minutes to get my $6.95 worth, and I was going to win this war.

The first trip is always about the egg rolls, pot stickers, fried wontons and soups, Diazepam For Sale. A massive, Diazepam fast shipping, heaping plate of your standard starters. DO NOT put any salad shit on your plate at a Chinese buffet. Ever. Roughage is not your friend when you're about to put eight pounds of greasy meat in your stomach. Diazepam For Sale, The second and third trips are your entrees. Sesame chicken, General Tso's chicken, diazepam for dizziness, Lo Mein, fried rice, royal pork, moo goo gai pan, Diazepam amphetamines, beef broccoli, sweet and sour pork, all of it. Except fish. Do not eat fish at a Chinese buffet. It was probably caught in a drainage culvert out back, buy cheap diazepam guaranteed.

By this time, if you did it right, you are absolutely sickened, Diazepam For Sale. But you always must leave room for a few of those Chinese donuts, the super greasy wads of dough deep fried in MSG and crusted in sugar. These are essential ends to a hard fought battle. Again, Diazepam radiology, Sun Tzu: "The enlightened leader lays his plans well ahead."

I had timed everything impeccably, and at 2:55pm lumbered over to the buffet for what would be my last time. I grabbed a new plate and headed towards the end of the boundless oriental smorgasbord, slowly passing all of the now empty stream trays. Diazepam For Sale, And that's when I saw her. And oh sweet Jesus, she was absolutely huge, diazepam iv. Maybe 45 years old, weighing in at 10 pounds for every year of her miserable life. Her housedress did nothing to conceal the shelves of fat. I'm not sure how I missed her before. I guess she was sitting on the other side of the buffet, very close to it, in my blind spot, Diazepam For Sale. Compare diazepam rectal intravenous epilepticus, It was a grievous tactical error. Especially because she had cleverly plopped herself at the end of the buffet with the donuts, whereas I so foolishly had sat at the appetizer end. Well played, fatty. Well played, diazepam no prescription canada. Diazepam For Sale, All she had to do was stand up and she was at the donuts, whereas I had to walk the entire length of the 40-item expanse. Sun Tzu: "When the enemy is close at hand and remains quiet, he is relying on the natural strength of his position."

I was close enough to see that there were four Chinese donuts left, and there was no way that at this late hour the restaurant would be replenishing. Four donuts were, Diazepam snort, in my mind, enough for both of us, but clearly this beast didn't see it that way. Our eyes met, her lips curled into a despicable smile, and she placed all four balls of sweet fat bread onto her plate, buy diazepam online without prescription. A used plate. A clear violation of the rules of engagement, not to mention the health codes, Diazepam For Sale.

As she fell back down into her shuddering chair, I moved in. Coming around to her side of the buffet, Diazepam rectal gel for seizures, I was horrified to see how many empty plates sat in front of this woman. She had apparently even used the lazy Susan in the middle of her table to hold several fully heaped plates at once so she wouldn't have to keep getting up to restock her rations. What the fuck. Diazepam For Sale, Was this woman planning on hibernating for the winter. How could anyone possibly eat so much food. She had clearly been here since the buffet opened at 11am. I couldn't believe the proprietors allowed it, passed out from diazepam. Well, those cowards might, but I wouldn't.

"Give me two of your donuts," I said, Diazepam For Sale.

"No, Diazepam shooting up, I need them. And I got there first," she replied.

"Ma'am, if you don't give me half of the donuts, I will go all Somali pirate on your fat ass," I said.

"Bring it on," she cackled as she thrust one of the donuts into her mouth. Diazepam For Sale, And that's when I did it. I kicked that woman so hard in the belly that I swear to Christ it felt like my foot was temporarily caught in quicksand, so deep did it bury into her folds of lard. Yes, the donut flew from her mouth, but that wasn't the half of it. It's what emerged from the other end that was the life-altering event. Let's just say it answered the question of how blue whales shit, because my well-placed kick forced a VW sized piece of feces to creep out of her brown hole onto the floor of the restaurant beneath her, making her look like that elephant from Horton Hatches An Egg.

As she sat dazed on her mound of shit, I calmly took the remaining three Chinese donuts and walked out to my Cadillac, Diazepam For Sale. And I guess that's why I said at the outset that it wasn't one of my best efforts at being human. A good person would have only taken two of the donuts. But as Sun Tzu wrote, "It is a military axiom to take as many pastries as possible, for pastries make a warrior fierce."

Or something like that.

.

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21 Responses to “Diazepam For Sale”

  1. 1 2econd_draft Says:

    You should’ve wrapped your slave chain around her neck and choked her out, Jabba-style.

  2. 2 GrandMoffCory Says:

    you’re a horrible person, marty! you forgot to pay!

  3. 3 Senator_SIA Says:

    Sarge, there is nothing wrong with helping the fat. As a matter of fact she should have thanked you. Now she won’t have to sit 30gal shitter for hours to get out what you got out of her. You should be praised as a savior of fat people time. If not for you she would have had to wait another 3hrs on said shitter to open enough room, to NEED more food.
    Sarge you are a true humanitarian and a friend to the fat. God bless you and that bad ass Cadilac.

  4. 4 ipwn007 Says:

    Ironically I was eating some General Tso’s chicken (frozen TV dinner style) as I saw your Twitter post and came over here and read the post. I got to the ponderings about whale feces and I have to say the Tso’s chicken lost it’s appeal.

    Haha, great post though! Sorry to hear about Revision 3 as well. Unfortunately I am plagued with dial up (live in the middle of nowhere) and haven’t been able to keep up with your podcast, but I absolutely loved you on TechTV as the Twisted Lister and later on Unscrewed, so I wish you the best of luck with your future, and I’ll be sure to check this blog regularly!

  5. 5 ESPO Says:

    dude… how can you be depressed when you have wild turkey, chinese buffet, and fat bitches? all joking aside, the irony is that i’ve been in that boat, and several parts of your post are so fucking true it brings back memories. but i used to get baked before i raided the restaurant. only then does the jaunt to the chinese buffet take on epic proportions.

  6. 6 Rich Says:

    It is now my life’s mission to discover how exactly a blue whale shits.

    Great post, Marty. It’s good to know you’re not squandering your unemployment break.

  7. 7 Kyle Brady Says:

    Dude.

    I always loved you, no-homo, on TechTV back in the day because of your complete weirdness and sense of humor. It really resonated with me, since I’m probably just as weird.

    But this article/post takes the cake. Pun intended, fat lady pwnd.

    You’re one of the few alums who are “keepin it real” (we all know Kevin Rose doesn’t count… he’s just a pretty boy who steals things)… so keep on keepin’ on!

    –Kyle

  8. 8 dragonbladev Says:

    fuck that, i would of took all four donuts, those things are soo fucking good. so screw that fat bitch if she thinks shes getting away with the one she shoved in her face.

    much respect martin, keep with the great stories. made my day.

  9. 9 adoor Says:

    I’d say you’re just lucky to be alive. If you were too close her shit very well could have consumed you! I wonder how the restaurant dealt with the cleanup? Maybe they just molded it into a new Bhudda statue?

    Very happy to hear that there’s a new show in the works. Almost as excited as Daisy Whitney is to read this story.

  10. 10 Nathan79 Says:

    I nominate this for Sargeworld’s Top 5!

  11. 11 outthere396 Says:

    You MUST find the time to peruse the salads. Not doing so is a tactical error. You don’t have to eat any of that crap, but it’s like the high ground at any buffet, as fat asses shun that section like scalpers at a Fabian show. I’ll guarantee that you wouldn’t have missed that tee pee full of lard.

  12. 12 Jessa Says:

    Blue Whale poop looks like rose pedals floating in the ocean. Seriously, it does.

    http://seapics.com/cgi-bin/Panorama.cgi?searchLynx~cgiDispatch~qx+=&007590?seapics

  13. 13 zanderscoffee Says:

    You have made my day today. Also, you have increased by hunger 67%. You must have a keyboard of +3 hunger.

  14. 14 avaiana Says:

    pure literary genius

  15. 15 Evan Ward Says:

    Hasn’t lost his touch yet.

  16. 16 Xero_Kill Says:

    Are you a god?

  17. 17 Jim_McD Says:

    Is there any better way to start the morning than with a hearty chuckle. Thank you sir!

  18. 18 nelzone Says:

    Martan – great piece – and more condolences and good luck wishes.
    I hope you find a stable environment that allows you to do what you do so well, keeps you clothed and fed in the stylish manner to which you are accustomed, and makes it easy for those of us that give a damn to keep up with you. TechTV is gone, G4 is ruined, and i don’t give a rats ass about Rev3 or the Diggnation. see you at the bar.

    My girlfriend is Hmong and has told me that her mother calls the buffets “Stomach Explosion Restaurants” – appropriate – go for the meat, stay away from the salad – get the expensive stuff. Cheers!

  19. 19 Ralkom Says:

    Alls fair in love and Chineese buffet’s.

  20. 20 Paul P. Says:

    You missed your calling sir. Stop broadcasting and start writing. Love Paul P

  21. 21 Andy Says:

    Great post, Marty, so funny!
    Miss Internet Superstar and Webdrifter.
    All the best,
    Andy

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