Some heroic news out of Thailand today. An autistic boy, scared at his first day of school, crawled out onto a third story ledge and refused to come back inside. When fire fighter Sonchai Yoosabai learned of the boy’s love of superheroes from his frantic mother, he ran back to the firehouse and changed into a Spiderman costume he would often wear to liven up fire drills and safety presentations for children. When he returned to the scene of the crisis he told the boy “Spider-Man is here to rescue you, no monsters are going to attack you and…walk slowly towards me as running could be dangerous,” prompting the boy to immediately stand up and walk into Mr. Yoosabai’s outstretched arms. The full news story is here.

What struck me about this story is that in my long career of analyzing Internet phenomena, it’s the first time I’ve ever come across someone who actually put a Spiderman costume to good use. In every other instance the result is shameful, nauseating, tragic or a combination of the three. Allow me to prove my Internet Spiderman thesis by example. In a preponderance of cases, men who don Spiderman costumes are far too obese. This is spandex, not sweatpants. They don’t look like they’ve been bitten by a radioactive spider, but rather like they’ve bitten into every donut, taco, hamburger and pizza in the Marvel Universe. Consider this man:

He proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that grown men should not wear Spiderman costumes, especially men who have grown to the size of an elephant seal. He does, I suppose, evince some degree of superpower by merit of the fact that his legs do not buckle under the weight of his upper body when he assumes that web slinger’s crouch. Perhaps he ate a radioactive Cheetoh when playing that Nintendo lying behind him or when watching a selection from his video library, which appears to consist of every animated movie ever made. More likely, though, his superpower can be attributed to one thing: fat strength. Men like our abovementioned friend should, again, never wear spandex. But be thankful that he did, for other obese Internet Spidermen have opted for an even more form-fitting costume: body paint.

Though at first one cannot help but instinctively think that this man’s fashion crimes will always outweigh any crime fighting he accomplishes, upon deeper consideration you cannot help but tip your cap, as his nastiness will surely prevent the likes of The Green Goblin, Dr. Octopus or Venom from daring to come anywhere near him. He is literally untouchable. Other obese Internet Spidermen who deserve honorable mentions include Fat Male Camel Toe Spiderman

and Fleshy Hip Hop Spiderman

At risk of offending my bigger fans, I should also note that scrawny, saggy-assed Internet Spidermen can be equally despicable. Observe:

There is no dearth of pitiful video of Internet Spidermen. There is of course
Italian Spiderman, Spiderman Will Make You Gay, Spiderman Has Boobs, Carnage Rapes Spiderman, and this, which is sort of the reaction most people would have upon watching any of these videos. But I will leave you with a true classic that effectively sums up the failure of Internet Spidermen. Thanks for reading, and share any horrific examples I neglected to mention (there are many more) in the forum below.