This year, despite his hi-tech pedigree, Martin plans on having an Olde World Christmas, replete with figgy pudding, roast goose, and tuberculosis. There’s to be a pageant, and all the Revision3 guys are coming by to play a role: Gator as all three wise men, Jay Adelson as Joseph, Kevin Rose as the Baby Jesus, and Joey as a donkey. Rickey Kang also stops by to share his new Christmas poems, and we wrap this whole beautiful gift in the shining bow that is Johnny O’Bannion. It’s going to be the best Olde World Christmas ever!!!

Go get the show!

Well, I’ve been snubbed by Comedy Central yet again.

First, they turned down my show, Martin Sargent: Web Drifter, which now airs on Revision3. And then, a couple of weeks ago? I went to the taping of their end of year comedy gala, “Last Laugh,” and more tragedy ensued.

When you’re at one of these Hollywood tapings, cameramen are positioned throughout the audience taking shots, so the producers can edit in reactions of people laughing. Well there was a cameraman right next to me and my lovely, though high maintenance, date for a good amount of the evening, and I made sure to supply him with tremendously boisterous reactions to the fine comic material of featured performers Lewis Black, Greg Giraldo, and Patton Oswald. So I figured, “My date and I are by far the best looking people here, and we’re laughing up a storm not only because it’s funny, but because we’re both desperately out of work and want to get on TV, so surely they’ll include us in the broadcast.” Thinking it’s assured, a foregone fucking conclusion, I invite people over to watch this thing, prepare a hearty repast of crudités and sundry fine cheeses and crusty breads of various local provenance, telling everyone I’d be featured—finally—on Comedy Central, as is my birthright.

Well, we never showed up. I mean, there’s one shot from a camera in back of Patton Oswald performing, from which you could sort of make us out for a few frames–look for me wiping nose shot across my hand (I had the sneezles)–but essentially I was snubbed and therefore HUMILIATED in front of my quickly departing guests, who included Don Cheadle.

All I can figure is that the editors recognized me and didn’t want to upstage the performers by showing me in the audience. It’s the only logical explanation. Have any of them ever hosted a late night talk show on extended digital plus tier platinum cable? No, they have not. Therefore I am more important, that is to say, better.

But all kidding aside, it was a fantastic evening of exemplary performances and a legendary after party, and thanks to Comedy Central for graciously inviting me. My companions and I had a super evening. Just super.

But sadly, I think my best bet of getting on TV again is to arrange a date over the Internet with a 15-year old girl in hopes of landing a featured role on Dateline NBC’s “To Catch a Predator.” Wonder if they pay royalties?

Here are some photos of me hanging out at the after party with some of my close comic friends and high-powered business associates. I am so pimp, but that doesn’t alleviate the crushing sadness that is attached to the heavy burden of being Internet’s Martin Sargent.

Me and the chick who begged me to bring her. Big mistake.

With Unscrewed’s executive producer Paul Block and my good comic pal Lewis Black.

My date embarrassing me. Lewis Black was so over us pretending we are friends.

A very fine comic, Nick Swardson.

Fuck, I look worse than Greg Giraldo…

My trusty manager, Hollywood Howard Lapides, taking a shot from the vodka ice flow. He sipped 15% from every drink I ordered that night…

Whoops. A guest on my groundbreaking late night talk show, Unscrewed with Martin Sargent, has been fired some three years after I interviewed him.

Stan Murmur, “The Butt Print Artist,” appeared on the show to demonstrate how he paints with his ass and genitals. These paintings sell for hundreds of dollars.

Though Murmur went to great lengths to disguise his appearance when he appeared on the show, it didn’t keep him from losing his job. See, Murmur is a high school art teacher, and his students found a clip of his appearance on YouTube, quickly spreading it around the student body. When school officials saw it, they placed the well-liked teacher (real name Stephen Murmur) on administrative leave. And now the ACLU is stepping in to defend Murmur and his ass art. Given all the attention this is receiving, maybe we should book Murmur on an upcoming episode of my new show, Infected by Martin Sargent.

The moral of this story is that apparently, the only way I can receive press these days (my name and the name of my old show have been mentioned in hundreds of newspapers the world over, starting with The Washington Post) is for someone to get harassed by a bunch of close-minded nitwits who oversee a former guest who paints with his ass. I mean, he could have used feces instead of paint, mixing his color palette by carefully choosing the food he ingests the night before splattering a canvas. It’s the next logical step in the progression of a great art form.

Another former guest, Dave from Poop Report, has written an impassioned defense of Murmur and his ass art.