Tonight, I enjoyed a delicious and hearty Thanksgiving meal at my parents’ house. My mother, who has kept a lot of shit from my youth, clearly hoping to one day sell it on eBay to buy gin and lotto scratchers when I once again become famous, had the following piece of art on the refrigerator:

I must have created it around age 4 or 5 in nursery school, kindergarten or Sunday school. Apparently, that Thanksgiving I was thankful for Jello salad, blue pie, strawberries, some variety of sponge cake, and….what the fuck’s that? Who is that strange man in my artwork? I’ve never seen him before, nor has anyone in my family. So I must know, why was I so thankful for him that I would rank him right up there with Jello salad?

I am hoping you can help solve the mystery. Do you know this man? Does he resemble anyone you may have stumbled across in your life’s journey? Can you help me find him? I am convinced he must hold some sort of secret that could elevate my being. In fact, this may well be the beginning of my own DaVinci Code, but with more hot chicks and booze and less dumb stuff like statues and old churches.

Please, help me solve the riddle…

Come celebrate the one year anniversary of Infected! Where? revision3.com/infected When? RIGHT NOW!!!

Demi Moore, Leonardo Di Caprio, and Calista Flockhart were all born on November 11, but nobody gives a fuck. In fact, not one person showed up at a sobbing Leo DiCaprio’s birthday party, Ashton Kutcher stood up Demi Moore at her 73rd annual birthday brunch, causing her to hobble out of Spago in tears, and Calista Flockhart had to binge and purge her birthday cake without Harrison Ford holding her hair, because all of Hollywood had something more important to do, namely watching The Infected Anniversary Spectacular.

That’s right, exactly one year ago the world’s most important podcast was born, forever altering the course of showbiz. In this hour-plus extravaganza, Martin and Gator reminisce about their favorite Infected moments as their friends Rickey Kang, Johnny O’Bannion, and film actor Orlando Bloom stop by to pay tribute.

The only negative is: how will they ever top this next November 11th? Bring your energy, because this party is WILD and will WEAR YOU OUT!!!

You’ve weighed the issues, seriously considered the candidates, and are ready to perform your civic duty by casting your ballot in today’s excruciatingly important midterm elections.

That is, about fifty percent of you are ready, according to most polls. The other half are apparently more concerned with who you’ll vote for on tonight’s riveting episode of “Dancing with the Stars.”

Shamefully, for some Americans, whether football great Emmitt Smith

will take down “Saved by the Bell’s” Mario Lopez

is of greater importance than the war in Iraq, health care or an increased minimum wage, which I figure people who are really into watching “Dancing with the Stars” are uneducated enough to be making.

Personally, I wish I could vote to send Mario Lopez to Iraq to search the roadsides for IEDs, but sadly, that’s not on the ballot.

But don’t you see? These races are so close your vote could actually make a difference! And unlike “Dancing with the Stars,” this election isn’t even boring! There’s a backdrop of powerful explosions,

outrageous sex scandals,

Star Wars caliber villains—

it’s like a blockbuster Hollywood movie, with an equally blockbuster budget, if you factor in the billions of dollars spent on childish, exaggerated, and in many cases evil political ads you’ve been seeing on TV every Tuesday night when you’re poisoning your soul watching Mario Lopez try to pull off a coffee grinder.

I’m telling you, that little guy is so light-footed he could pirouette right over those roadside bombs without even setting them off.

But I myself am dancing around the big question: no, not if Mario Lopez is secretly gay,

but who’s going to win these elections. Well, according to Page Gardner, president of Women’s Voices Women Vote,

unmarried women are the fastest growing demographic group in the country, and could sway the election. And according to my lonely, bitter experience, unmarried women tend to be a shallow lot, so they’ll probably vote for the best-looking, most generous candidates, and I dare say that favors the Democrats.

On the other hand, according to a recent survey of British women, who I realize aren’t voting in this election and also tend to have bad teeth,

unmarried women prefer a big salary to good looks when choosing a potential mate, so if we extrapolate that line of thinking to choosing a political leader, that would favor the deep-pocketed Republicans.

So who knows? And maybe it doesn’t really matter anyway because it looks like all the voting machines are too confusing, not working, or rigged.

All of these factors lead me to this conclusion: we ought to just settle this whole thing with a good old-fashioned dance off!

George Allen Virginia-senate-race-reeling against less racist Democratic challenger Jim Webb,

The vaguely retarded-looking but smooth-footed Missouri Republican Senator Jim Talent in a Lambada battle with fiery state comptroller Claire McCaskill…

…yeah, I’d watch that, and vote on it. Hell, this is America, unless you’re a goddamn commie pinko, who wouldn’t? Hey, I wonder if the fact that conservative nitwit Tucker Carlson got voted off “Dancing with the Stars” first this season bodes well for Democrats? Certainly no unmarried women would be interested in that fruitcake, no matter how rich his parents are.

Oh, if any casting directors from “Dancing with the Stars” are reading, I’m available for next season. Love your show…

DON’T FORGET TO VOTE!!! (unless you plan on voting Republican)