Put on your favorite costume and grab a big ol’ treat sack, because you’re invited to the Infected Halloween Party! Martin, Joey and Gator dress up as a cowboy,

a pirate,

and, well, I don’t know what the hell Gator was supposed to be,

to tell spooky stories, watch the most frightening Internet videos of all time, and rock out with a Black Sabbath cover band.

Plus, Robert Berry from Retrocrush.com

stops by to tell us about the worst Halloween costumes, most violent videogame, and scariest movie scenes of all time! All that, and Johnny O’Bannion!

It’s the best Halloween party ever, even though Joey ate too many candy corns and spit up all over his pirate shirt. Wow, Joey regurgitation really reeks.

This will be the 31st Halloween of my increasingly unsuccessful existence, though I don’t remember the first three because I was a baby, or the last six because I’m a drunk.

But from what I can piece together, Halloween has changed tremendously during my tenure as a celebrant of it. When I was a boy, it was a simple affair, go out trick or treating with your friends

and make fun of the ones whose parents were so lazy or so poor that they dressed them in those $5.99 rubber costumes from CVS. Yeah, the ones from the sales rack that no normal child would choose, like the Sweat Hogs from Welcome Back Kotter,

complete with crappy plastic Gabe Kaplan mask that attached with one of those rubber strings you could torture your malnourished friends with by continually snapping it into the backs of their skulls, or every kid’s dream, Herve Villechaize as Tatu from Fantasy Island,

or even the Atari game Asteroids,

the mask being nothing more than a plastic rock that looked more like something you’d be scared to touch while snorkeling.

Yes, those were simple times.

And then, a year or two into the Reagan Administration,

all over the news were terrifying reports that sickos were putting needles and poison into the candy, just like they did with the Tylenol.

This was well before the age of CSI,

closer to the age of Andy Griffith and Barney Fife, really,

so it would have been impossible for law enforcement to trace all the needles and poisons in the Mallow Cups to the creepy single guy

in the unkempt house on the cul de sac a block away, and Halloween was ruined.

Of course we know now that Steven Spielberg was behind the whole thing,

and profited greatly from the scared and, let’s face it, shockingly stupid parents who packed movie theaters with disappointed kids that would only shut the hell up and stop crying if they were brought to see E.T. for the fourth or fifth time in lieu of trick or treating.

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank my parents, by the way, for not being mindless sheep that Halloween and refusing to take me and my obese brother Mathew to see E.T.,

but taking us instead to see Toostie.

It would be seven years later before I stopped begging my mother to let me dress in her evening gowns and make-up to go trick or treating, and to this day I must daily contend with deep, horrifying, and sexually confused ramifications of seeing that film as a six-year old.

Speaking of ‘this day’ and also of cross dressing, let’s fast forward to Halloween 2006. It’s no longer a kids holiday. No, it’s the one night of the year that adults get dressed up in outrageous costumes

and head to the gay neighborhood in the closest big city, the Castro in San Francisco, West Hollywood in LA, you know what I’m talking about, to get really drunk and promiscuous.

Well, I say one night a year, but that’s sort of a lie for some of us…

My point is, Halloween has changed, and not for the better. Where are the innocent days of hay rides,

bobbing for apples,

and telling spooky stories?

Phone Friends, we need to go back to the true meaning of Halloween, namely, worshipping our Dark Lord Satan,

and maybe sacrificing a few animals on an altar of blood.

I think this year I’m going to dress up as all five of the Village People. I’ll be a big hit in West Hollywood…

Hey Troops.

Maddox, webmaster of The Best Page in the Universe and author of The Alphabet of Manliness, both of which recieve the Sarge Stamp of Approval inked in blood from the finest ram in my herd that I personally slaughtered with a very advanced judo move, will be recording an interview for Infected this Thursday (10/25) evening.

Best part is, he wants to answer any questions members of The Infected Army might have for him. So if you have any, and you must because he’s something of an oracle and can answer any question ever posed in the history of mankind, post it below. If it’s not something dumb that would embarrass you, and by extension me, I’ll ask him on your behalf.

Also, Martin Sargent: Web Drifter, Episode 2: Through the Wormhole is now available for you to be awestruck by. Here’s why viewing it is mandatory:

Continuing on my quest for Truth and Meaning, I journey behind the website Pyradyne.com to meet its creator, Dr. Fred Bell.

Simply put, Dr. Bell is a genius. And by the looks of his luxurious home, his fleet of fast cars, and his vast collection of vintage motorcycles, a very wealthy genius at that.

Dr. Fred Bell–Genius

Did he amass this wealth by being a direct descendant of Alexander Graham Bell? From the spoils of working on the Star Wars missile defense program and MK-Ultra? Or by selling his many inventions, such as the Pyradome head gear pyramid, the miraculously healing Nuclear Receptor, or the Firestarr Orb, which “causes a reality change within several yards of its presence, once the laser is enacted”?

Or perhaps the money is simply the byproduct of his ability to harness the wisdom he’s learned from studying with Himalayan masters. More likely, it’s due to the cosmic secrets he’s gleaned from the Plaeidian aliens who visit him through the star gate that routinely opens in his living room.

A star gate that I, Martin Sargent, travel through on this edition of Web Drifter…

Tonight at 7pm PST!!!

Here’s where the chat room is. When you get there, type /j #infected and you’re in. It’s a Revision3 organized affair, and it is likely to be the social event of the season. Attendance is mandatory.

Also, thanks to Frank Linhares for having me on his wonderful techPhile podcast. You can listen to the interview here. Again, it’s mandatory.