The 4th of July is all about stars & stripes bandanas, canned beer and falling on the grill, burning your flesh fairly severely. Oh, and family. So I figured it’s the perfect time to put together the Infected Family Album! Pictured below are those of you who bought an Infected t-shirt and sent a photo of yourself wearing it to probemartin@gmail.com.

For those of you who want to be included in this wondrous collection of strong, proud Americans (and being that we sold hundreds of shirts, I know you’re out there), send a photo of you wearing your high-quality garment and I’ll add it.

If you haven’t bought a shirt yet, better hurry. I think there are less than a dozen left, and some sizes may be completely sold out. Hopefully, we’ll add more to the fashion line soon, including shirts celebrating Joey, Rickey Kang, Johnnie O’Bannion, and who knows what else. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t buy your original Infected shirt now, because once these are gone, they may be gone for good.

And now, let’s meet this damn fine looking family!

Ahhh, there’s nothing like a round of refreshing shots of Karo’s high fructose corn syrup. Sweeeeet…sleepy…

This man is about to get face-fucked with salads. More salads? Perhaps the finest pictorial submission to date. He would win an Infected t-shirt if he already didn’t have one.

If Jrod here didn’t appear to have two black eyes, I would consider hiring him as my personal bodyguard. Of course, why would anyone want to harm me? I am poor and culturally anonymous. Although I do have a half roll of Necco Wafers in the left pocket of my jorts. And you never know who’s going to club you in the back of the neck for a Necco Wafer.

Duncan is just Cute As Fuck!!!

HairGuy, not so cute as tremenendously powerful.

HuyDang has remarkable powers of perception.

Dax is one reason why the 2nd Ammendment is such a wonderful thing.

Makenzie has a rather disturbing way of staring into the camera. I think he may be plotting something quite frightful. We are also witnessing a trend among Infected Army members concerning dragon posters.

Adam is clealry a real good time Charlie, and in all likelihood a go-getter. I’ll bet he has formed several clubs and chairs various committees.

If PETA gets a load of this, it may shut down the whole operation. Have you ever eaten rabbit? Not worth it. Very small bones. I prefer marmoset.

I like to pray before the big game wearing my XXXXL Infected t-shirt. It brings me closer to God, and allows me to hoist up Joey’s bird-like frame and and bury him in the net from the three point line. It sucks when his hair gets caught in the rim and we have to get the custodian to cut him loose, though.

Hey, have a design for a new infected t-shirt, like Jason Lee here did? Send it to us at probemartin@gmail.com. You will receive nothing but glory in return.

Don’t forget to sign up for the Infected Video Peep Show on iTunes, subscribe to Infected at revision3.com/infected, vote for us at podcastalley.com, and become my friend on MySpace.com/infectedbymartinsargent

Thanks family, and don’t blow your fingers into stingy little nubs this Independence Day!

Oh wow, hey, how you doing? It’s been a while. So, by the time you get up tomorrow for your high paying, personally rewarding job, episode 11 of Infected should finally be available. And Jesus and Baby Jesus, is it a doozy! Just make sure you watch the video Peep Show edition so you can see all the wild animations and pictures of Joey without any hair. Yes, the shitbird has molted, and godammit if he doesn’t look like Keanu Reeves after a grease fire.

So way back in episode 10, we asked you to draw pictures of Gator hitting something with his truck. And you guys really brought out your best box of crayons for the assignment, greatly improving upon your remarkably poor images of Joey getting very badly hurt. So without further poo, here are your masterstrokes. They are in alphabetical order by artist, not necessarily by skill level. I will reserve commentary and let the art speak for itself (except to say that the winner is Adam Ott–way to go Sport!).

Adam

Adam Ott

Anthony

Brad

Buck Coil

Congor the Great

Dax

Evin

FlyQC

jsudds

Lucas

Matt Fields

Pat B

Russ Kumro

Sam

scatpoorn

Oh wow, JUST WOW! What a magical wedding ceremony!

Best I’ve been to since Barbara Streisand and Jim Brolin at Babs’ Malibu estate (sorry Starr). The whole thing was perfect, delightfully small, at this wildly picturesque winery in Sonoma. Perfect, that is, until I “pulled a boner.”

I knew the reception was beer and wine only on account of some crazy laws they have for winery functions in California, so of course I brought my hip flask full of 101 Wild Turkey. Well, that went quick so I went to the trunk of the El Dorado and got the rest of the handle. A couple of Brendan’s uncles were jazzed by my smuggling, but next thing I know, I’m dancing on the dessert table to the tune of “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” when I plant my foot smack dab in the bowl of ambrosia salad. Well, apparently that was the last straw for a large contingent of aunts and female cousins. They sacked me like a wild band of Visigoths and threw me into the vineyard!

Now, you’ve got to understand there was no getting back in after that performance, and the Best Western was like five miles away on twisty wine country roads, plus my date was still in there somewhere! That’s when Carl showed up. Carl is a drifter who happened to have found himself with a wine stomping gig at the vineyard.

“Hey,” Carl said. “Don’t I know you from that TV I stole in Portland?”

“Yeah,” I said. “I’m television’s Martin Sargent, from Unscrewed.”

“Never seen nor heard of it,” Carl said. “But if you have a car, I’ll show you something.”

So I give Carl the keys to my El Dorado and he starts driving, and driving fast. His greasy ponytail was flopping in the breeze from the open window. It looked like a filthy windsock.

We drove for what seemed like hours, until I said, “Yo, Carl, what did you want to show me?”

And he replies, “The ocean.”

Just then, we cruise around this ridge and there it is, the Pacific, doing a slow dance with her partner, Amazement, in the moonlight, on a watery, rippling stage at the bottom of the sheer cliff we stopped at.

It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

That’s when Carl pulled a pen knife on me and asked for my wallet. As I reached for it, I surprised him with a leg sweep that dropped him to the gravelly ground, and then kicked him off the cliff. He didn’t even scream as he fell to his death.

Then I got back in the El Dorado and drove back to the most perfect wedding ever. By that time, everyone was drunk enough to laugh about the whole ambrosia salad debacle, and how we danced! I even taught them a new move, called the “Drifter Kick.”

Oh WOW! What a magical night!

Be sure to subscribe to Sarah & Brendan’s new podcast, “The Traveling Morans,” chronicling their one year plus honeymoon hitting dozens of exotic locales around the world. They are so going to get explosive diarrhea.