Hey troopers!

I’ve been kicking around the idea of getting back on TV, so I went ahead and committed to hosting a series pilot for a show on USA Network based on the wildly popular viral video website eBaumsWorld. The show is, in fact, called eBaumsWorld. I think they should call it SargeWorld, but then again, the production budget for a TV show about my site would be far too costly because of all the explosions and fake blood and animal trainers and stuff.

I’ll be hosting with WWE star Chris Jericho. I hope we get to fight a lot on the show. I’m pretty sure I could take him. He’s stronger than me, but I’m lightning quick and always carry a foreign object into the ring.

We’ll be shooting the pilot sometime in April. Hopefully it’ll get picked up and go to series not too long thereafter and become an international sensation. With me and Jericho as a tag team hosting force and the fine production team we have behind it, I don’t see how it couldn’t. And the best part is all those USA shirts and hats I wear all the time are now not only a symbol of my patriotism, but also an advert for my employer. USA! USA! USA!

Here’s an article about it from today’s issue of Variety.

Viral vid skein secures hosts
Sargent, Jericho sign for ‘eBaum’s’
By DENISE MARTIN

USA Network series pilot “eBaum’s World” is firming up, signing standup comic Martin Sargent and former WWE star Chris Jericho to host the project.

If picked up to series, “eBaum” would join a growing roster of TV shows highlighting the best of viral video from the Web. VH1 is having significant success on-air and online with “Web Junk 20″; Bravo spun “Outrageous and Contagious” into a regular series after the onetime special of that name drew a crowd; and NBC is readying “The Net With Carson Daly” as a potential skein.

Production on “eBaum” begins next month in Los Angeles. Project is based on the male-skewing viral video Web site eBaum’s World, which features a mix of humorous and shocking clips, some of them submitted by viewers. TV translation will feature footage from the site as well as original content.

USA is developing some seven projects in hopes of finding a latenight companion for its wrestling franchise, which routinely draws monster auds for “Monday Night Raw.” Among the projects, “eBaum’s” is furthest along, moving forward to pilot at the end of January (Daily Variety, Jan. 26). Execs hope to order at least one series in time for a fall launch.

Vaulted by wrestling, USA finished the first quarter atop basic cable in all key demos and total viewers.

Fox TV Studios is producing “eBaum.” Simon Andreae exec produces via his Incubator production banner.

Sargent previously hosted the latenight talker “Unscrewed With Martin Sargent” for Comcast’s Tech TV (now G4). He launched the podcast “Infected” in November. Jericho worked with WWE from 1999-2005.

Meanwhile, USA sister net Sci Fi Channel has announced “Stargate SG-1″ exec producer-former star Richard Dean Anderson will guest star in several episodes of the show, starting with the series’ 200th episode, set to bow this summer. He’ll reprise his role as Gen. Jack O’Neill and make an appearance in spinoff “Stargate Atlantis.”

Sometimes things happen to me that I can’t blog about. Because they’re secret. But I can always analyze the news!

An air transportation group has reported that an estimated 30 million bags were temporarily lost by the airlines in 2005.

And, if the term “bags” includes “bags of pot”, make that 30 million and one due to the eighth of skunk I was forced to eat when I saw an approaching German Shepherd in terminal B of Milwaukee International.

By the by, if you’re going to eat a bag of powerful street drugs before getting on a plane, an aisle seat is something of a necessity.

Anyway, to put that 30 million figure into shocking perspective, that’s the luggage of 1 out of every 100 passengers.

This means that on my recent flight on a 300 passenger 747 from New York, the obese, hairless man who coughed on me, took half my seat and, when I wasn’t looking, my SnackPack; the screaming kid who, in my opinion, was way too old to be allowed to scream like that for 2-hours straight; and the chick who went down on me under a blanket, all could have all lost their luggage.

If I ever call her like I promised, I’ll ask if she ever got hers back. If I ever see that screaming kid again, it’s mother fucking on! I’ll hit a 10 year old. No problem there.

According to officials, last year alone, lost luggage cost the airline industry 2.5 billion dollars.

Responding to criticism, transportation secretary Norm Mineta pointed out that the losses were actually good for the economy, because they made the luggage industry 10 billion dollars.

In his statement, secretary Mineta failed to point out that he looks vaguely like gay icon and ex-star trek actor George Takei, but that’s beside the point.

Greater airport congestion, tight connection times, increased transfers among airlines and stricter security are all contributing to more late or missing bags, but officials said the main problem is that airport baggage handlers tend to be, at best, mildly retarded.

I think that’s why they wear those earphones. Maybe they’re startled by loud noises, or perhaps they’re listening to children’s rhymes. I don’t know. I’m not retarded.

Anyway, to help airlines cope with more passengers and more bags, the industry is promoting the use of a tiny computer-style chip on luggage tags that it says will reduce the number of misdirected bags. However, critics of the plan say it will cause terrible delays as passengers will have to remove the computer style chip from their luggage before putting it through the x-ray machine.

Those who refuse will be darted and tagged with a large red plastic number that is affixed permanently to the ear… ok, I made that last part up.

If you’re wondering what happens to those 30 million lost bags, well, all but 200,000 are eventually reunited with their owners, while the remainder are believed to be hiding somewhere in the rugged mountainous region of Kashmir.

(Addendum: The video version I refer to below is now available at Revision3.com. Go get it.)

Fitness. It’s important. That’s why we’ve dedicated a whole episode of Infected by Martin Sargent to getting in shape. There are a lot of faddish diets out there that will tell you to eat less and exercise more, but they’re mostly based on faulty science. Clearly, Joey, Gator and I have a better way. Just look at our bodies. We’re frightfully thin. And though none of us can run very far and often can’t get out of bed in the morning, none of us have ever had to shop at a specialty plus size store. And in this day and age, that’s saying something. So put on your clean sweatpants and lace up your Zips, because you’re about to get ripped, Infected style.

One note: Right now, the audio only version is available. We made a video version, just like the last episode, but it’s not up yet. If you’ve already listened to the audio version, you must get the video version when it becomes available. It’s magical. If you can only stomach one listening/viewing, wait for the video version. Hopefully it will be up tomorrow. I’ll post when it is but have jury duty tomorrow. I promise to make a scene in the courtroom. If you can’t wait for my say so, which would be weird and might indicate you need to pick up a hobby, just keep checking Revision3.com and keep an eye peeled for the update.

One more thing: You are the Army. We need you. Please fight the good fight and spread the word about Infected. Vote for it on PodcastAlley.com and all the other aggregators. We’re all this battle together. Plus I’m broke, and need to make something happen soon…

Aside from the opening ceremonies of the XX Games of the Winter Olympiad, The Academy Awards is sure to be the big night of Martin Sargent’s 2006. I watched the event at Judd Hirsch’s annual Oscar gala at his home in Encino, and boy what a sparkling evening! Judd couldn’t have been a more gracious host, perhaps because he could wait on me hand and foot on account of it being just the two of us. Sadly, Ed Begley, Jr. couldn’t make it this year.

Anyway, when Judd and I are watching the Oscars, we concentrate mainly on what everyone’s wearing. And we both agreed all the stars looked ravishing, though we embraced in horror and let out a terrified yelp when Jennifer Garner tripped on her gorgeous Michael Kors gown. What a relief she didn’t go down. If she had, I wouldn’t have been able to sleep last night, even with the soothing balm of Judd’s sublime mango daiquiris. She’s just too wonderful for that kind of embarrassment and simply doesn’t deserve it! We felt the same sense of comfort when Lauren Bacall, who appeared to be suffering a minor stroke as she introduced her category, somehow avoided crumbling like a darted wildebeest right there on the stage of the Kodak Theater. I think they had her suspended by a set of those cables they use to make Peter Pan fly.

This all, of course, begs the question, who do you wear when you must look your best? May I suggest one of our brand new Infected t-shirts, in handsome red on black? Whether you’re a fan of our show Infected by Martin Sargent or if you have a VD and like to be open about it, it’s the perfect selection for any occasion. Plus, if you buy one, you’ll help me from losing my house and living under the pier with Joey.

Thanks so much for buying yours today! Available through such fine stores as Revision3.com and Jinx.com. Here’s the direct link, and happy wearing!

P.S. Be sure to learn from the newest wisdom imparted by my pal Johnny O’Bannion over at View from the Canyon. And I can’t wait to hear his Oscar wrap-up, which I’m sure is coming soon. He’s probably still out partying with Three 6 Mafia and Ang Lee.