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And the hippie’s all like, “Were you seriously pledging public radio just to get free stuff?” And I says, “Yeah, and to get you annoying pinko fucks to shut up so I can get back to “All Things Considered”. Give me my money back, long hair.”

Well, don’t ask a hippie volunteering at a public radio station to do anything technically delicate because she had no idea how to hit the back button on her computer to reverse the charges. “Sir, the best I can do is to send you a tote bag with the station’s call letters on it.” Sensing defeat, I accepted. At least I could use it to put over this lady’s dreadlocked head if I decided to take her hostage.

Now get this, and I shit you not: As soon as I get off the phone, I turn up the radio again and those commie turds are offering a $75 gift certificate to some fancy Hollywood bistro, plus a Keith Sweat CD, to anyone who pledges $50, Cheap Soma Online. Infuriated, I immediately turned the channel to that diabolical harpy Dr. Laura, who was screaming at a confused teenager who thought he might be gay.

So I don’t know. Maybe the $50 was a good investment after all. I’ll shit in the tote bag for a couple of weeks and send it to Dr. Laura. Priority Mail.

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