Today, in the parking lot of a PayLess Shoe store I saw Bono. He looked kind of seedy. In fact, when I first saw him walking towards me I was joking in my head, saying things like, “Hey, look, here comes Bono in the PayLess parking lot.” And then, when he came closer, sure as fuck, it was Bono, black jeans, leather jacket, goggles and all. He also had on a pair of Pony hi-tops, the kind with the puffy foam tongue. He wore them unlaced and his jeans were tucked into the open tops of his hi-tops. And as he passed me he stopped and waved an arm, gesturing off towards the nicoteen yellow smoke spewing off some out of control wildfire ravaging a distant ridgeline.
He pointed and he said, “One day, this whole fucker is gonna burn.” Then he hucked his empty BigGulp cup into traffic and kept on walking.
That Bono, he’s deep.
Television’s Martin Sargent is hella popular. In fact, I can’t walk through the mall without getting swarmed by fans. Crazy fans! I’ve been pawed, groped and even this one time, while pinned against the counter of an Orange Julius at the Carousel Galleria in Syracuse, beef bayoneted by an obese Debian enthusiast.
Nowadays, when I need to grab some new body jewelry at Claire’s Boutique or a can of fake poo at Spencer Gifts, I wear a disguise. It’s cool not getting raped by fat dudes and all, but I kind of miss talking to my people (and being able to try on new outfits at Chess King without having to take off my entire disguise).
So here’s the solution: on Friday night, I’ll be on the Computer America radio program—and I want you to call in and ask questions! Actually, the producers of the show want you to call in and ask questions (because if you don’t we’ll almost certainly run out of things to talk about for an hour).
Jot this down: this Friday, between 8 and 9pm Pacific, place a toll free call to 1-866-606-TALK (8255). Ask whatever you want, but chances are I’ll be as shifty, though not quite as repugnant, as Scott McClellan.
By the way, anyone who calls a computer radio show on a Friday night is a fucking nerd. Unless you call drunk from a sorority house or Applebee’s.
Hey gang! Guess what? A few runty nestlings deep in the South have started a Dear Blog podcast as a tribute to that fine piece of contemporary American art, Unscrewed with Martin Sargent. It’s fun and cute, and everyone in the Army should iPod it, or whatever the H-E double hockey sticks you call that process of retrieving and listening to an Internet sound clip on some type of music machine. The Dixie nippers interviewed me on Episode 8 (a few weeks back, so some of the stuff, like that reference to Eric B. & Rakim, might be dated). I’ll tell you what, those there confederate moppets really have a future in broadcasting, if they can lay off the sarsaparilla. I’ll tell you that right now.
Dear Blog, incidentally, was my favorite bit on Unscrewed. I perform a new one on the rebel grommets’ podcast. Thanks Jason and Zack, and stay in school!
Excerpted segment taken from an interview that aired on Larry King Live with karate master and life coach Rickey Kang (www.kickasskarate.com)
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Larry King: So, Rickey, why are you so defensive tonight? You won’t even let me finish asking my questions before you…
Rickey Kang: Because everybody wants to take a crack at Rickey Kang, see, cause I’m a warrior… I’m a fuckin’ long-haired, ax swingin’ warrior…
Larry King: People want to fight you because you’re a warrior?
Rickey Kang: Hell yeah man, but they don’t know I got a tiger inside me… but, thing is, I can’t let that tiger out of its cage. That’d be like shooting chipmunks with a 10 gauge – won’t be nothin’ left. But I will introduce them assholes to the other animals I got inside me, besides the tiger.
Larry King: Other animals? What type of other animals?
Rickey Kang: My hurt monkey. Cause when I let him out of his little steel box that little fucker is gonna scramble… he just scampers up on you and “wham!†– you’re missin’ an eyeball.